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Why it Sucks to be in Tulsa Pt. XVI

with 2 comments

Tulsa is – in the best of circumstances – a challenge to find exciting, stimulating, fun things to do in. Lately though the misery is just unending.

DO NOT USE ELECTRICTY! ANY!
First, with record heat Tulsans are advised to cut back on electricity use. That would be things like air conditioning, television, computers, lights, just the luxuries. How much to scale back on? Nothing specific, just dial it back a little on the AC. And if you hitch the temp up but not enough others do the same? You will still have rolling blackouts – for an hour at a time! Wanna bet the retail centers and their 68 degrees of shopping heaven will have one minute of a brownout? Riiiiight. Are you doing everything you can for the Collective Tulsan?

DO NOT DRIVE DURING THE DAY! DO NOT MOW OR GAS UP!
Second, with ‘ozone alerts’ folk are not supposed to be driving unless we have to. So that if you decide you want to leave your dark, hot home for a brightly lit air conditioned store, you are exacerbating the crappy air quality! And if you decide to spew fumes into our Beijing-quality air, you are supposed to sweat it out without air conditioning in your car because that increases air pollution. Worse, by insisting on driving, gassing up during the day and spewing deadly gases from every piece of machinery we use, Tulsans will pay millions and millions to the EPA! THAT money will just *poof* appear from a magic money tree, so do not worry about it!

DO NOT GO OUTSIDE! YOU WILL DIE!
Third, with the excessive heat we are advised to stay indoors. Even walks around the neighborhood are dangerous affairs because of the heat. Normally, more than half of Tulsans feel unsafe in their neighborhoods after dark, so the majority of Tulsans who want a breath of crappy Tulsa air have to grab that in the wee hours before the excessive heat descends on this awful, awful place, or risk heat stroke! Millions and millions of dollars wasted treating stupid fatty Okies who overdo it out-of-doors.

DO NOT GRILL OUTSIDE! CAREFUL WITH YOUR BUTTS!
Fourth, the ‘burn ban’ is vague. Can we smoke meat? Use a propane grill? Use hand tools that contain flint? Who knows, it is just a burn ban so do not have an open flame outside. Too bad you have to use your oven or stove inside because of that ban. Of course, that would only be advisable if one has gas appliances (see #1.)

DO NOT USE WATER! BY VOLUNTARY ‘ORDER’!
Fifth, with water restrictions, we are supposed to not use water unless it is necessary. Cut down on showers, flushing, dish washing et al as much as possible, and no outdoor water use between noon and midnight (and then only every other day.) Golf courses – both private and public – are as green as green, but lawns elsewhere are brown as poop. Youngish trees have all died and shrubs never even really had a chance.

NOT A TULSAN? THEN DO NOT EVEN THINK OF MOVING TO TULSA! YOU WILL REGRET IT!
And the only ‘bright’ spots in this wearying town were cancelled last weekend! Socialist ONEOK Field cancelled their Friday fireworks because of the statewide burn ban (like anything downtown is more dry than concrete slabs normally are!) Then, the much anticipated Flaming Lips show at the Brady Block Party was cancelled because of the microburst that slammed Trolltown Saturday!

So Tulsans can only sit in their darkened, sweltering houses, chew on carrots and read by candlelight. Literally, every and anything that Tulsans do makes our situation worse – there is no way to win/win this situation if all the advisories, restrictions, alerts, and such are to be followed. Yup, just sit there and watch your garden and lawn brown up and die, Tulsans, you stupid suckers!

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Written by thetulsan

August 8, 2011 at 11:30 am

2 Responses

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  1. Hey when are you moving to Idaho? Temp now 73 and no humidity.. . . . . . . We did have thunderstorms and a great lightning show last night though. But then you have the cold and snow to worry about starting in Oct. but we can still flush and water when we want and use a.c. We do have wind farms operating here with no benefit to us (The Californians have bought all the power being produced) Love the politics on this one… Anyway you could also move to the other side of Hell in Vegas. Gene and Shauna

    Gene Hinsley

    August 8, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    • Idaho is a paradise compared to this place. So ready to leave! Keep an eye on things for Dubya up your way. Bellingham and the Gulf Shores have been discussed, FYI…

      thetulsan

      August 10, 2011 at 10:59 am


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